What Perfume Not To Wear

and least of all not on the train to work before midday.

For years Clinique have done their durndest to give away all of endless supply of their perfume Aromatic Elixir. And no surprises as to why.

This fragrance reeks to high heaven, it's potent scent brings to mind small enclosed spaces that have not seen sunlight or fresh air for centuries. Perfect for claustrophobics like me.

They can't sell it because those in the know know it is truly vile, so they have to give it away in those gift with purchases thingies - that I am unfortunately addicted to. I go without my precious clinique supplies until GWP-time - twice a year in both DJ's AND Myer stores - and usually I can spread these necessary purchases to once every three months.

I have tried in vain to on-offer it to those I know I won't be seeing that many times in a year (which means I don't have to smell it that much on them either), but even my most fashion un-savvy friends won't take it from me. They hand it back politely with a smile and say they're right for fragrance at the minute. Or they wisely accept my backward gift, plonk it in a drawer - and thank heaven - will never wear it.
I wonder from time to time about the makers of such a stinker - how it got from test to product for starters. Someone somewhere in the supply chain must have had at least half a clue that the scent ponged to high heaven and would never sell. Perhaps it was created by the virus-makers of the pre-internet age - an employee who, once they'd seen the writing on the wall - rushed through a new perfume sample and it 'mistakenly' was mass-produced, and is now foisted on hapless consumers as it simply won't sell.
Along time ago, a very sweet and helpful Clinique sales girl extolled the aromatherapy attributes of Aromatics to me and I was almost persuaded to buy it - and then somewhere, inside my head, logic kicked in, and I asked to have a sniff first. Ye gods.
Nearly falling over backwards I managed to mumble that I'd have to think about it and stumbled like a drunken sailor out of the store.

These days, deep in the recesses of my vanity lurk no less than a dozen of these purse-sized 'gifts'. What really really irks me is I can't get similar sized editions of my favourite perfumes. Stuff that I would actually wear. I can't do a thing with this stinky scent, if I can't stomach it's er, fragrance, it's hardly going to be used to scent my lingerie drawer is it? Nor would I dream of adding a few drops to my bathwater to aid relaxation, nor dab a few drops on my pillow, nor the lightbulb of the lamp on my nightstand.

If I turfed it I'd worry that the nice man who comes to collect my garbage would fall over in mid-collection should these glass bottles smash in transit.

I heard a rumor years ago, that certain top notch restaraunts had banned it's customers from wearing such overbearing and agressive fragrances like the very popular first release of Poison (Christian Dior), Opium (YSL) and thank goodness, Kouros. Their belief was (and probably correct) that such intense fragrances disturbed other patrons and altered their dining experience - possibly even tainting the food.

A friend who is a waiter-by-chosen-profession confirmed that certain restaraunts in California still banned it's patrons from wearing fragrance at all. How very californian.

A long-ago colleague of mine used to get migraines from just a whiff of fragrance - regardless of what it was. She'd be in the elevator going up to her floor to start work in the morning, and generally by the time she reached her floor, she would have collapsed writhing in agony to the floor of the lift.

A very extreme reaction. How do you live like that?

My grandmother wore Opium, any time I catch a whiff of this on someone else, I think of her. Kouros is one fragrance I'll forever attribute to the early nineties and dancing round my handbag in a crowded nightclub to the grease megamix. Um, on second thoughts, that's not such a distant memory. But don't tell anyone I said that.

I used to adore Paris, but have since gone completely off it - I remember being reminded immediately of toothpaste though, the first time I smelt it. Which is quite the story in itself.

I used to walk about 2.5km's to school, and of course, 2.5km's back again - this was in the days that is was safe to walk to school - a different world to now (or is it?) and me and my best friend found a bathroom bag, smack bang in the middle of a field that had nothing in it but cows. In the bag was a relatively new bottle of Paris.

I didn't like it so I let my best friend have it.

Years later it would become my all-time favourite scent. I think I wore it for about four years and did not know then that there is such a thing as a daytime and evening scent.

Then I migrated to Happy - another Clinique scent, but as I've noticed lately - it's a little on the sickly side for me.

Then major fragrance mistake - Amirige. YSL again. Then back on track with Trussardi True Light Her. Better again with Contradiction from Calvin Klein - a cab driver once commented while driving me to a fancy restaurant that I smelt like David Jones the dept store. Interesting.

I fell head over heels in love with Truth, another CK fragrance and still love it to this day.
A very funny story I have about a fragrance I bought a couple of years back - I wore it everyday to work, and when it came time to leave for another job, my dear colleagues rallied round and chipped in for a suitable gift.

A colleague that I was very close to was given the task of choosing the gift. He chose for me the fragrance that I had worn every single day - and he said when he handed it to me - I spent ages in the fragrance dept of David Jones and this was the one fragrance I found that I thought would suit you... Which made me smile.. (It's the one I've been wearing everyday for the last year!).

Since then I've settled with Stella for day - obsession for night and Trussardi's Blue Denim when
I really want to piss myself off.

Fragrance Tips:

Spray it on dark coloured clothing.

Never spray it directly on your skin or near jewellery - I learnt a harsh lesson with perfume eating in to my beautiful silver watch.

When you've just stepped out of a shower - spray your perfume up towards the ceilling and walk through the mist - this will ensure you are subtly fragranced, not doused in it.

Put your favourite empty scent bottles in your lingerie drawer, and in your laundry hamper.
Pick a signature scent that you truly love, and wear it for day.

Choose something that makes you go 'WOW' for night - this is your power scent for fancy dinners, parties and wanting to make a lasting impression.

Pop stars do not maketh fragrance. Fashion Designers do (Stella, Alessandro Del Aqua, Caroline Hereras, Dior, YSL, Hilfiger, Kenzo...). Well, that is, fashion designers select the ingredients that best reflect the personality of their clothing range.

Pop stars (ie Britney and Curious) select ingrediants that best reflect their tabloid personality.

And I can tell you that doesn't always smell good.

If you like it - it suits you. Beg for those little sample sprays when buying a new fragrance - they are much easy to lug around than the whole hulking bottle...

Scent does not reflect your personality - it reflects your taste.

Place scent bottles INSIDE ziplock bags when travelling in an aircraft - nothing says I hate this scent faster than having it spill through your clothes.